Time Out for Women

Yesterday, before I left for my flight back home, I was talking to my Aunt about my blog. She said that she tried to look at it but sometimes would miss mine and I confessed that over the last few months she wouldn’t have missed much. I told her that since my promise to Melissa about posting more that I had done better but still wasn’t great about it. I confessed that I like to keep my posts comical and funny and sometimes it is hard to write something that matches the humor that was actually there. I told her that lately my posts had been much deeper and contained less humor. Well I have to admit, this is going to be one of those posts that is going to be deeper again.

I had an opportunity to go to Time Out for Women this weekend for the first time. IT WAS AMAZING!!! I went with my Mom and my Aunt and I loved every minute. I loved the talks and I laughed and cried and felt the spirit so strong. I loved listening to Kenneth Cope sing. I loved hearing these women and the strength and courage that they had. I also loved that the inspirations I got that day wasn’t because of the topic of the talk or even because of what the women said, but more where my heart was and the Spirit being able to touch it.

Before I went to Time Out for Women, I had spent probably the two most perfect weeks home. I loved every minute of my two weeks and it was wonderful to have it still feel like home. It still felt comfortable to be in my room, to help my Dad at the schools, and so many other little every day things. In fact, it was so perfect that I was having a really hard time leaving. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life in New Hampshire and I love the people there and I am happy there. But I was walking away from home and from Marc and getting ready to be a long distance couple for another two months. I will have a hard time leaving New Hampshire as well and have talked about it for months and how hard this will be for me but seeing how hard it was for me to leave home, made me realize how much more I will miss New Hampshire. Anyway, on my last night home I completely broke down and just started to sob uncontrollably at the thought of leaving home. I wasn’t ready to leave. I wasn’t ready to face the real world again. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to those that I loved. So as I sat there crying in Marc’s arms, I kept thinking that there was something wrong with me. My heart has been in two places since moving back east and the more I realize that the harder it is. I also hate crying and I hate crying in front of people and here, unprovoked, I am sobbing uncontrollably. What is going on? I eventually composed myself and got my head on straight again. I think it shocked Marc to know how hard this is on me because I try to not let those type of struggles show. I can do this.

Anyway, I thought about that scene of me just sobbing the night before as I sat there and listened to the various women and the various songs and the thought hit me. We can’t be teachable until we are humble. The Lord sometimes needs us to fall to our knees and be completely at his disposal before he is able to work with us. Because of the humility of breaking down just 12 hours before I knew that I needed to have my heart open to the Lord. I also knew and have known for a long time that the Lord has a plan for me. There is a purpose in doing what I am doing and though I may not know it at the time, it is always for my benefit. I was reminded that I need to remember that. I have often told Marc that though the last 3 months have been really hard, that I wouldn’t change them for the world. I would do it the same way all over again. Yet, when looking at the next 2 months, I find myself dreading it and dragging my feet. Why the difference? I wasn’t focused in the right direction. Through the experience of the last 24 hours, I have found myself refocused, redefined, and redevoted. There is a purpose to me still being on the east coast. Maybe it is so that I can become a true expert on Tom and Jerry episodes. Maybe there is a life that I need to still touch. Maybe I need to become that much closer to my sister. Maybe it is just a lesson in obedience. Maybe I need to become a better nursery leader. Maybe…I mean the list could keep going. All I know is that I am incredibly grateful that I am returning today and that I have been able to have the experiences that I have had and that I can be the person I am today, rather than the person I was two days ago.

There was one woman, in particular, that truly touched me with her words. She talked about some of the deepest and most personal moments in her life. These were those moments that come to truly define a person. She talked about her struggles and her doubts and what got her through every day. I was amazed because she was talking to a room of almost 1,800 strangers and was telling her deepest feelings. The kind of strength that that would take is amazing to me. In fact, I have a hard time even picturing it. I have had those kinds of struggles. No I didn’t have my little brother hit by a bus, or had a child diagnosed with diabetes. But I have had those struggles of making it through the day. I have had those worries of most women and yet I don’t talk about those experiences. Maybe it comes from trying to give off a strong persona. Maybe it comes from not being comfortable with me or who I used to be. But yet as I stood there listening to her story, I didn’t have any thoughts of how inadequate she was or how far she had fallen. I didn’t judge the event at all. And yet, my biggest fear is that maybe if people knew the struggles that I had, that they would judge me or see me as being a person no longer worth looking up to. I learned in that moment that sometimes we judge ourselves so harshly because the women around us appear so strong as well. There are certain women in my home ward that I have a hard time believing ever struggled, or doubted, or lost focus, or made a mistake, or even had a bad day. In fact, I can remember one of my first times in Relief Society and one of them started to talk about her week and how hard it had been and the things she had struggled with and I just sat there in amazement that she had struggles too. She was perfect in my eyes. I wonder if we truly understand that ALL of us struggle, if we would be less critical of ourselves for having those struggles.

One of the women talked about the difference between SIN and WEAKNESS. I, like her, and kind of thought of sin being the big version of weakness. I put them in the same category. They don’t actually belong in the same category. Sins are from Satan and are put there as a way to trip us up and bring us closer to him. They are those things that we need to repent from. Weakness, however, comes from the Lord. He gives us those things so that we made become strong. If we never had opposition, if we never struggled, we would never grow. The Lord needs us to grow and to become more like him. In order for us to do that we have to have weaknesses. I think if we think of weakness in that way, as a way to grow closer to our Father in Heaven through our hard work and devotion as we try to overcome those weaknesses, then we would stop belittling ourselves for struggling. We will struggle and that is okay. It is through those struggles that we remember our Father in Heaven and our Brother who died for us on the cross and it is through those struggles that we grow and become the people that we need to be.

Another woman talked about how things we do everyday could be a miracle in the life of someone else. She talked about there were four families who had been asked to take a boy into their homes one day a week and let him do the things they were already doing in their home. They were asked to help him with his homework (they already had children of the same age that they were helping), and to feed him dinner (they were already cooking dinner for their family). They weren’t asked to do anything that they weren’t already doing but they were asked to invite this boy to join them and to be a part of it. By them doing that, they create a miracle in the life of this boy. His life was completely changed by that one act. I sat there and thought of ways that I could be a miracle in the lives of others by doing the things that I already do. I am still pondering it and know that the Lord will direct me to do what he needs me to do and maybe I won’t even know the miracle I am. Maybe the Lord is doing the same with you. Are you a miracle for someone?

They talked about the “Be There” principle. I was a little confused when they first started to describe this principle. She talked about how the women in our church are really good when a crisis happens. We bring a casserole. We have that covered. But sometimes, a casserole isn’t what is needed. Sometimes what those people need is sometime to just be there. They don’t have to say anything, or create a miracle by themselves but they simply must be present. Sometimes we just need to know that someone is on our side and that no matter what, someone will be there for us.
I could probably write pages and pages of the things they discussed and they way that they changed my life. In fact I already have. But I will end with one of the thoughts that is still very fresh in my mind. I have always heard that the Lord is molding me and, like clay, is shaping me into the person that I need to be. I never thought about what has to happen to the clay before it is in the shape that we want. I have learned, watching my kids in nursery, that sometimes clay (or in their case Playdo) needs to be pounded, smashed, rolled, folded, beat, scraped, and the list just keeps going. Sometimes I think I am going through those various stages of the clay being worked. When your life feels completely upside down and inside out, maybe your life is being “rolled”. When your life feels like you can’t take anymore, maybe you are being “pounded”. I think of the amazing sculptures that have been made through time and the amount of work put into the material used, and I think that I can only hope to one day be the sculpture that the Lord intended. I guess that if that is my goal then I have to accept that sometimes the clay will need to be rolled and sometimes it will need to be smashed and that I need to make sure that I have my life in perspective. What good will come of this? What is the Lord trying to teach me? I hope that I will be able to remember those things and keep them dear in my heart. I hope I will be able to not only grow myself but allow others to grow as I do.